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Righteous Pre-Marital Relationships Dating, Courting, and Hanging Out By Massimo Lorenzini Have you ever had emotional anguish as a result of dating relationships? If you have much experience in dating you’ve probably experienced one more of the following: rejection, betrayal, mistrust, feeling used, conditional acceptance, jealousy, infatuation, ungratified longing, loneliness, anger, etc. Do you think that God has a better way for us? I believe so. God created us, He knows our needs, and He gives us guidance in relationships. Marriage is God’s idea Genesis 2:18: And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”[1] Matthew 19:4-5: 4 “Haven't
you read,” He replied, “that He who created them in the beginning made them
male and female, 5 and He also said: For this reason a man
will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will
become one flesh? 6 So they are no longer two, but one
flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, man must not separate.” A Wife is a Blessing from God
Proverbs 18:22: He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor
from the Lord. Proverbs 19:14: Houses and riches are an inheritance from fathers, But a
prudent wife is from the Lord. Marriage Prevents Sexual Immorality
1 Corinthians 7:1-2,
7-9: 1 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is
good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because
of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have
her own husband. 7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one
has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. 8 But
I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain
even as I am; 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control,
let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. Christian
Marriage is a Visible Demonstration of the Love of Christ for His Church Ephesians 5:22-32: 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Think it over. Why are Christian wives to submit to the
headship of their husbands in the role of a helper? The Christian wives become
to the world a visible demonstration of the submission of the church to her
husband, Christ. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. Think it over. Why is it important for a Christian
husband to take up the mantle of headship in his home—to be absolutely loyal to
his wife, to rejoice in her, to cling to her, to be her companion, to nourish
her in God’s Word, and cherish her as his own body? Because only in this way do
husbands become a visible demonstration to the world of the sacrificial love of
Christ for His bride. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Christian marriages are to be a reflection, not of our own self-centeredness, but of the divine plan of redemption in which sinners, who were once lost and alienated from God by their sin, are reunited as one flesh, one body with Him. This brings God great glory and pleasure. Think it over. Do you want your future marriage to reflect
the glory of God? Anything less is an affront to His holiness and a perversion
of His perfect design for marriage. Marriage to an Unbeliever is
Forbidden
2 Corinthians
6:14-16: 14 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For
what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has
light with darkness? 15 And what accord has Christ with
Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? 16 And
what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you* are the temple of the
living God. As God has said: “I will dwell in them And walk among them. I will
be their God, And they shall be My people.” Reasons for Marrying
A Christian:
The Importance of
Traditional Marriage for Society
The recent debate about same-sex marriage in the U.S. prompts us to take a strong stand for what God’s Word teaches about marriage since He is the one who created it. A correct understanding of the institution of marriage is critical because marriage and the family functions as the basic building block of human society. This is a fact of history as social researcher Amitai Etzioni has written, “There never was a society throughout all of history . . . without a family as the central unit for launching the education of children, for character formation, and as the moral agent of society.” Even the United Nations recognized this in their Universal Declaration of Human Rights (1948) which states, “Men and women of full age . . . have the right to marry and found a family . . . . The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State” (Art. 16.1, 3). History also reveals that nations decline and eventually die when sexual immorality becomes rampant and the traditional family is discarded in favor of group sex, homosexuality, infidelity, and unrestrained sexual hedonism. British Anthropologist J.D. Unwin, in his 1934 book, Sex and Culture, chronicled the historical decline of numerous cultures. Unwin Unwin studied 86 different cultures throughout history and discovered a surprising fact: No nation that rejected monogamy in marriage and pre-marital sexual chastity lasted longer than a generation after it embraced sexual hedonism. Unwin stated it this way, “In human records there is no instance of a society retaining its energy after a complete new generation has inherited a tradition which does not insist on prenuptial and postnuptial continence.” Unwin found that nations that valued traditional marriage and sexual abstinence were creative and flourished. He described this as “cultural energy” that can only be maintained when sexual activities remain restricted within marriage. Dating
What is dating?
Finish this sentence: Dating is about ________. Generally speaking,
what is the purpose, if there is one, in casual dating? The dictionary
defines “casual”:
What are the pros of
casual dating, if any? What are the cons?
Think of as many as you can. Answer yes or no to
the following:
Is God sovereign and
Lord over our love life? Yes! There are no areas of our lives that God is not
Lord over. Under God’s lordship, what would you say is the primary purpose of dating? The obvious answer is to find a marriage partner. If you’re not ready to marry, you’re not ready to date. It’s like shopping without money. What’s the point if you cannot commit to a purchase? And what’s the point of dating if you’re not ready to enter into a marriage relationship? Fathers usually want
to know of the boy who wants to see his daughter: “What are your intentions?” If you are seeking to date another
Christian, God the Father wants to know what are your intentions toward His
child? Have you thought through your intentions? It’s been said: “Aim at nothing and you’ll be sure to hit
it.” This should not describe Christian conduct. As Christians, we should live
with purpose. Courtship: An alternative to casual datingWhat is courting or courtship? Courtship is about open and honest exploration of each other’s lives and families leading up to engagement and marriage. Courtship is about marriage—you court in order to see if you can be good friends with the person and to see if this is the person you can make a marriage commitment to. There is no romantic interaction until after the commitment to marriage. Courtship is a process of strong integrity, which says, “I take my future marriage seriously, and I won’t open myself up to all the potential hazards I’m seeing in the dating process. I also want to respect my fellow Christians and seek their best interests. I want to have honor and Christian love in all my relationships with members of the opposite sex.” How does God want
you to deal with your desires and passions in the area of dating? Song of Solomon 3:5: I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the does of the field, Do not stir up nor awaken love Until it pleases. I take this verse,
which is repeated three times in the Song of Solomon, to mean that you should
be patient in waiting for romantic passions to be expressed. That is, you
should wait until you’ve settled on the one that you want to marry. And it
should go without saying that this would be a mutual feeling with the other
person. Until then, you
should treat all other believers as brothers or sisters in Christ seeking their
best interests. This means that you do not pursue someone romantically until
you’ve been able to observe them in group settings, established a non-romantic
friendship with them, and you’ve entered into a courtship relationship with
them. How do you go about
looking for a mate? Faithfully walk with God, serving Him in the fellowship of
the church. Every now and then take a look around and see if there is someone
else who is walking with God that might be a potential mate. When you find
someone who has godly character and you are attracted to them (and this is not
purely physical attraction, but an attraction based on objective criteria to be
discussed below), you let your intentions be made known up front. For a guy,
this means asking the parents of the young lady for their permission to court
their daughter. She may not even be attracted to you at first, but you use the
courting time to woo her and see if you are compatible. You also use this time
to further investigate each other’s character and determine if this is the type
of person you’d like to marry. Qualities to look
for in a mate:
What are some
qualities to look for in a friend? Some might be loyalty, trust, generosity,
kindness, shared values and interests. Would someone be
able to look to you and see these qualities in you? What areas in your
life would God say you need to address to be Mr. or Miss Right? A Relationship Checklist
The Heart Check: What is his/her relationship with the Lord?
How did they become a Christian? Does he/she seek the save the lost? Is church
a social thing, or does he/she have a passion for Christ? The Sight Check: Are you attracted to him/her simply by want
stimulates you visually? Is she modest? Is he overly concerned with material
things? Does he look at you with respect or lust? Is she more concerned with
how she looks rather than being godly? The Needs Check: Do you want to date him/her because he/she
needs you? Are you moving into a dating relationship because this person is
emotionally wounded and needs your support? This might be a good reason to be a
friend, but it’s a bad reason to date. Emotional Check: Does he/she express emotions in a healthy
way. Is he/she easily depressed or angered? Is he/she controlled by emotions?
Is he/she moody? Does he/she know how to express emotions in a godly manner? The Words Check: What words or thoughts dominate his/her
conversation? Is he/she a gossip? Does he/she speak the best of people, or does
he/she tear down others? Home Check: What kind of relationship does he/she have
with his/her father and mother? Does he/she show them respect? What about brothers
and sisters? Money Check: What emphasis does he/she place on money? Do
new cars, jewelry, brand name clothes easily impress him/her? Is he/she a
cheerful giver to God’s church? Is he/she generous toward others with time,
abilities, and money? Preoccupation
Check: What preoccupies him/her? Does he/she
display wisdom in their priorities? Is he/she seeking God’s acclaim more than
that of the world? Motive Check: What is motivating your interest in him/her?
Is it only physical attraction? Are you genuinely interested in seeing this
person flourish in his/her Christian life? Do you have marriage as the ultimate
goal in your dating relationships? “Every date is a possible mate!” Hero Check: Are you attempting to change this person by
dating them? The best way to help someone change is to be a friend who points
them to Christ and godly relationships. Missionary dating is completely out of
harmony with God’s purpose in dating. It is also too emotionally risky because
you might “fall in love” with a non-believer or an immature believer, or they
might fall in love with you. Patience Check: Don’t be obsessed with finding “the one.”
Just serve God and seek to be “the one” that He wants you to be. One day,
you’ll look up and there he/she will be! Hanging Out
What is hanging out?
Having fun with a group of friends, being alone with someone of the
opposite sex is not a good practice in hanging out. What are some
potential problems with hanging out alone with someone of the opposite sex?
It’s not an intentional relationship and could easily lead to emotional and
physical entanglements. How many times has it been said, “We didn’t mean to
have sex, we were just watching a movie on the sofa and one thing led to
another…” How is hanging out
in a group setting different from dating and courting? It gives you the
opportunity to observe what the other person is like without the expectations
of a “dating” relationship. It also gives you the opportunity to serve in
ministry together and see if you are compatible without complicating the
relationship by bringing romance into it prematurely. Here are three big
reasons to consider hanging out as a viable alternative to casual dating:
The Problems with
Dating Dating...
A Memory Verse
God’s Word to Men: Prov 31:30, Charm
is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall
be praised. God’s Word to Women: Prov 19:22, What
is desired in a man is kindness, And a poor man is better than a liar. A Psalm for
Meditation
Psalm 1 1 Blessed
is the man Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, Nor stands in the path
of sinners, Nor sits in the seat of the scornful; 2 But his
delight is in the law of the Lord, And in His law he meditates day and night. 3 He
shall be like a tree Planted by the rivers of water, That brings forth its
fruit in its season, Whose leaf also shall not wither; And whatever he does
shall prosper. 4 The ungodly
are not so, But are like the chaff which the wind drives away. 5 Therefore
the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, Nor sinners in the congregation of
the righteous. 6 For the Lord knows the way of the
righteous, But the way of the ungodly shall perish. The righteous have a
great future. The wicked have no future. My Commitment to
the Lord
Lord, I acknowledge
you as Lord of my entire life. I refuse to follow the world’s view of dating. I
make a commitment that my life will be an example of righteous living and holy
integrity. I choose to honor members of the opposite sex. I choose to uplift
them and not use them. I choose to be transformed by the renewing of my mind
(Romans 12:1-2) by Scripture and not to conform to the world, the flesh, or the
devil in my relationships (1 John 2:15-17). Thank you for giving me your wisdom
and your Spirit to enable me to follow you. You are all I need. I lack nothing
(Psalm 23). I gladly submit to your plan for my life. Amen. Recommended Resources On the web: In print:
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